I wish I was still dreaming

I was still asleep when the phone rang at 8:30 am this morning. I had stayed up late and then had worrying dreams about forgetting my lines and being unable to complete tasks. The call was from my brother Tommy who is bi-polar and schizophrenic.  It had been two days since I had hung up on him for screaming at me. I didn’t get to the phone in time so he left a message. He called to tell me they had taken 2 liters of liquid out of his right lung and that he has been doing rock cocaine and crystal meth and that he enjoyed it, he just wanted to be honest with me. He says he is not going to spend all his money on drugs that as soon as he gets his check he is going back to Sacramento and renting a hotel room so he won’t be homeless. He also said that he is running for Republican State Senator and wants to get a job with the government. I had wondered why he didn’t have any money and thought it was because a few months ago he had started going to the casino with a “friend” and that was where he was losing his money. I don’t know why he has picked Sacramento as the place to live and I haven’t remembered to ask him, as I usually get upset before we get too far in a conversation. This is the first time he has talked about getting a job with the government usually he is planning his rock and roll debut or working on making a tape to send Jimi Hendrix’s sister. Has his schizophrenia kicked in and that is why the drastic change in plans? I don’t know what is worse; hearing from him or not hearing from him. So many times over the years I have worried about his fate and feared for his life. The only time I didn’t worry was when he was in Napa State Hospital, and then I heard a story yesterday on how dangerous a place it is for inmates. Tommy rarely talked of that just complained about the food. My gut fears he won’t make it to 2016 and that something bad will happen to him in the next couple of months around the time of Grace’s birthday, his birthday and her death. I’m relieved Grace is not here to know all of what is going on, it was so hard for her to deal with and I think I sometimes I pressured her to talk to him when she would have rather not known. It’s only 9am and I’ve already cried and my stomach is in a knot. It’s that feeling of helplessness that breaks the heart. Tommy is always saying how he prays for me ( he is a Buddhist) now it’s my turn to pray for him.