Month: June 2015

Holy men encircle me; saffron robed monks listen as I explain how difficult and desperate I feel. I fall to the ground and cry, wailing from a place deep in my core. Patiently the monks wait for my tears to exhaust. I get up and they smile and remind me how I am loved, how I am not alone, how everything is fine. One of the holy men hands me a small brown bag of saffron rice “eat this it will give you strength.” All of this spoken without a word said out loud.

This dream changed my life. I knew everything would work out. I was being watched over. Spirit guides.

After my father died a crow screamed at me in my back yard till I did what I thought the bird was telling me to do. The humpback whales of Maui saved me from my recklessness and working to protect their population helped me feel a part of something. The dragonflies that watched as I counted whale pods remind me of that time wherever I live. The monarch butterflies in Mexico habitat became a spiritual experience in nature’s cathedral. Now I feel like someone is saying hello to me when one flies by.

     A new friend is diagnosed with Stage 4 cancer and within a year is dead. A month later a spotted owl arrives in my front yard. Perched on a cedar tree for two days staring at me as I grieve. I sit outside on my patio and watch the owl for hours. I am in the presence of wonder and beauty as the owl balances on the thin branch with ease. A peace settles over me.

I went back to the pool today. One of the life guards asked me where I had been and I couldn’t think of a clever answer so I told him the truth. “I’ve been depressed.’ He went on to ask me if there was anything he could do to help and reminded me that swimming is good for depression. You know what else is good for depression? Having someone you barely know act like they care. Since I lost my best friend and mother there have been times I have felt so ALONE. I have gone for days not talking to anyone, just me and the dog. To have someone you barely know notice that you haven’t been around and give you a big smile can help so much when you feel fragile and heartbroken. I’ll go back to the pool because I love to swim and  I know it’s good for me and I’ll make sure to give the next stranger I see a big smile, because you never know.