Month: April 2020

What makes us Remember?

 

Monday I had a hard time with myself. I say that because I am the only one who can cause me anguish while I hunker down by myself in my comfortable cabin in the woods where the pines and fruit trees blow their pollen with abandon. I wondered why I was so sad that my body ached. Was it the bad dream the night before where I was challenged with tasks I didn’t know how to do as I worked my way towards this new world we are making? Maybe. Then is hit me, what’s the date? Of course it’s about to be April 28th. the day my father died. Even if I don’t want to remember I always do. I used to think it was the brain that helps me remember but I’ve learned that my body holds all my stories.

 

765 people have died in Washington state due to Covid-19.  Very limited testing.

Staying Home

I have now been sheltering at home for 44 days. I had to count the days twice, even I am surprised how long it has been. At first it was uncomfortable so I stayed in bed and watched reruns of some of my favorite shows like Lovejoy. Have you ever watched it? One of the reasons I like it so much is because it is set in the English countryside with all those wonderful villages with thatched roofs and it is a show about antiques. The show is not violent and you come away knowing something about art. So refreshing.

Eventually I came out of my fog and started noticing all the holes in my life. That was a rough couple of weeks realizing my flaws living this life. All these emotions while home alone from fear, anger, loneliness, sadness and slowly a calm as I reprioritize my life on this beautiful planet.

We still have a low count for Covid-19 but that is due to lack of testing. Most people are still staying home. We did open our Farmers Market this weekend but I won’t be going. All of our wonderful festivals have been cancelled, even the ones in September. I hope we will have a large voter turn out in the Fall and vote this embarrasement of a president out and vote this time for a grown up.

We have 723 deaths in the state of Washington due to Covid-19.

 

Ode to John

I think about how much I miss the pool. I started going there with my mom at least twenty years ago. She was so excited to bring me to her 8am water aerobics class to meet her swim friends and show me the joy of water aerobics. By the time I moved to PT mom had stopped going swimming but I didn’t forget the pool as swimming is my exercise, refuge, place of joy. Two years ago when I started working at the radio station I decided to also go back to the pool. I think it was the first day I went swimming after my show that Seth pointed at me and said “Buzzy, go take that class.” So I did, and rediscoverd the joys of water aerobics. But this time I worked out with a different mindset. I decided to give it at least 100% every class. What a difference, I felt great, empowered, energized. I found my endorphins, and then I found John. Anyone who goes to the pool knows John. John is passionate, funny, loud, authentic. He teaches the morning classes so his work schedule is rough. I imagine he goes to bed about 8pm and get up at 4am as he starts work a 5:30am. That kind of schedule does not make for much of a social life I would imagine. John is loved by many for the passion he brings to his classes. He inspires. I know he has encouraged me more then any parent or teacher I have ever known. I doubt John makes a living wage. I hope that when the pool reopens that John will be there, I miss him. This is my ode to John.

Easter

The word “Easter” and most of the secular celebrations of the holiday come from pagan traditions. Anglo Saxons worshipped Eostre, the goddess of springtime and the return of the sun after the long winter. According to legend, Eostre once saved a bird whose wings had frozen during the winter by turning it into a rabbit. Because the rabbit had once been a bird, it could still lay eggs, and that rabbit became our Easter Bunny. Eggs were a symbol of fertility in part because they used to be so scarce during the winter. There are records of people giving each other decorated eggs at Easter as far back as the 11th century.  From Garrison Keillor.

I don’t know about you but having to sit with myself without the distractions of the outside world has forced me to look at where and what I want at this stage of my life. Am I too old for dreams? What is the point of me?  Whenever it gets uncomfortable my instinct is to run. Move along go somewhere new and start over but I always take my baggage with me so I am still just repeating instead of creating. Just like Spring I am wanting to bloom.

We now have 28 confirmed cases in out county, testing is limited. 4/12/20

 

 

Sunday 04/05/20

I’m a janitor. Boy is it hard to say that out loud. I have been a janitor for over five years. I know I’m a janitor because when I got the job cleaning the yoga studio and office space that is what was written in the contract. It took me awhile to accept that being a janitor was what I did not who I was. 

I am still cleaning the yoga studio and office space and even though only two people are working there I have noticed that I get physically ill every Sat night before I have to go clean the next day. I also clean the radio station where I volunteer, I’m sure that place is full of cooties. Most of the volunteers are men and most of them just don’t enjoy a good disinfectant wipe they way a woman would. Statistics are now saying the virus kills more men then woman and that scientist think it has something to do with female hormones or some such nonsense. I don’t think so. Men do not pay attention. Men do not wash their hands like woman do. Men think they can “tough it out.’ Not this time boys.

There are 20 confirmed cases in our town but testing has been limited so we are told maybe more like 200.

Isolation

There is nothing like a pandemic to motivate one to write. I know I do my best work when I’m down.

Just for the record this writing is free form. Do you know what that means? It means no rewrites, revisions, just my feelings at the moment. I learned about free form from radio back in the 60’s and still love the freedom of just doing it.

We here in Washington State are in “Shelter at Home” right now.  It started on March 13 and will continue till at least May 4th at midnight  when we can all go out and  celebrate Cinco de Mayo.  No, not really but it’s a nice imagine.

I am so grateful I am doing radio. It has saved me from feeling old and useless in a time when it is really easy to feel like that. I never really felt old until this happened. Yes I did turn 70 this year and that was hard to accept but I was still moving around and feeling good and then the virus hit our state and everything changed and I was scared like everyone else. Two days after our town shut down I was confronted by a young business owner who still reeling from the fact he had to close his business and lay off his employees  saw me outside and screamed at me. He told me it was my fault he had to close, it was because of old people like me.  He just kept screaming at me and told me to go home and stay there because that is where I belonged. I was shocked. I didn’t scream back at him because I could hear the fear and confusion in his voice. But it did start me thinking about was I worth the sacrifice he was making?