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Humor and heartache

When the queen mum fell down on her way to the cafe for her birthday dinner, I think we both knew there would be no happy ending.  I ran into the restaurant and asked them to call 911 and then went back to her. There she was on the ground in the dark parking lot, when only minutes before we had been laughing and talking about what we wanted to order. The waitress and owner came out to see if there was anything they could do to help and mum looked up at the waitress and asked “what are your specials tonight?” So the waitress bent down and read them to her. 

When the ambulance came and got her on the stretcher she looked at me (with that look) and said very stern like “no selfies.” I kept my promise, but it was hard because of course I wanted just one more image to cherish.

It’s the little things

I have been my mothers’ caregiver for six years. We have had a few close calls with health issues in the first couple of years,  so we had some conversations I believe most people avoid. You know “the elephant in the room” kind of issues. In our family the thing we never really talked about was how we felt, that thing called feelings or emotions.  Instead we tried to say what we thought you wanted to hear, or so it seemed in  my reality.

After my mother decided on “comfort care” I was sitting with her in the hospital and was telling her how happy I was that we had spent the last years together. Saying how much I loved her, how I had known her longer then any one else on this planet. I told her how happy I was I had gotten the chance to work on my mother/daughter issues (which I’m sure she went along with to keep me happy), not being of that generation that even worried about mother/daughter issues.  So when I suggested to her in my 60’s cosmic awareness kinda  way how maybe next time around I would  be the mother and she would  be my daughter. She gave me not exactly the evil eye  but “that look” and said  in a gutter ball voice  ” I hope not.buzgracewater  And then we laughed.

22 months in

I spent my second Christmas with my Nana and Papa while my mother was in the hospital with the new baby brother. My mother says I didn’t want a baby brother.   She was right, I wasn’t ready for someone else taking the attention away from me. I already knew what that felt like as my cousin Timmy was born just a couple of months after me and I had been sharing the spotlight with him ever since. Every time I came to visit Nana and Papa there he was. Timmy is in all of my pictures usually standing right next to me. Sometimes we are holding hands. In most of my holiday pictures I have a big toothy smile on my chubby face except for this year. In a faded black and white photo I am staring at the table where the train is. It is an electric train that goes around a single track but in my baby memory it is the most exciting toy I have ever seen. It whizzes around the track so fast I can barely keep up with it and the sound of the train rattling entrances me. There is only one problem; the train is not for me it is for Timmy. Santa how could you?

My present is a Lady Alexander doll. The doll is exquisitely dressed in a period piece. She is in a box with a see through top so you can look but not touch. No brushing this dolls hair or taking off her clothes to see what she looks like naked.

The next Christmas I start making peanut butter and jelly sandwiches for Santa. buztrain     Every Christmas Eve I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with a big glass of milk St. Nick, the reindeer got celery and carrot sticks.

On Christmas morning while my brother ran to check out the presents I inspected the plate to make sure the food was gone. I never worried about the sandwich, as I knew if Santa didn’t eat it my dad would. It was the celery and carrots sticks I was concerned about. There was no way my dad would eat those so if they were gone for sure Santa had been there. I even looked in the icebox and then the garbage to make sure mom hadn’t thrown them away. Relieved to find no trace of the veggies I could now go and check out the presents under the tree.

My Christmas present

I just found this picture of my mom. She is in Lahaina, maybe that is her boat Amazing Grace. She is wearing the classic Lahaina yacht club tee shirt, they don’t make that shirt anymore. Grace was also a classic and I like looking at this picture of her relaxing, enjoying, happy. It’s Christmas eve and I picked up her ashes today, so she will be with me for Christmas. gracerest

Ho Ho Ho, Merry Christmas

Mummy never thought she was creative, but she certainly was when it came to Christmas. She worked hard at making the tree look beautiful, loads of brightly wrapped presents and we were always well dressed. For a moment everything stopped and we were a happy family with stockings stuffed with silly toys and Christmas carols blaring from the record player. It didn’t last long. but it’s still a good memory.buzgrace christmas

Naughty and nice

buz&tommyxmasOne year my little brother and I woke up early and went out to the living room to make sure Santa had come. The rule was we were to wake mom and dad before we went into the living room but it was much too early to do that. So we snuck in the living room and looked at  out our presents maybe even opening up one or two before we went back to bed. The next morning we made sure to act surprised.