I had a grief attack yesterday. One moment I’m mopping the floor the next I see the queen mum’s pained face in front of me and that month before she died hits me between the eyes. I am surrounded in sadness. I feel so alone. Lonely, lost, lousy, little, loser, lonesome. L words rumble through my head. Tears create puddles on my face. I am all of those L words. I scream and cry, letting it all out. I try to find kinder L words to replace the one’s I feel. Laughter, living, lovely, looking, light, loose, lucky. Life. Soon maybe I will.
Tag: sadness
Thursday
It is one of those rainy grey days. I stay home in comfy clothes and begin again to throw the queen mum’s life away. Yesterday marked two months since she died. The last couple of weeks have been hard, lots of crying and sadness. I stopped looking through boxes, I needed a break from the daily reminder that she is gone. I feel so alone. I don’t know where I belong. I don’t know what to do. Who am I now? What do I need? Feeling closer to the end then the beginning, working on making peace with that. Reinventing, revitalizing, remembering. Today I tossed away fifteen years of calendars that Grace used as a diary, noting birthdays, telephone calls, parties, fights and bills paid. For a moment I want to stop and read what she wrote for every day of every month of every year. I resist and drop them in the garbage bag. I sift through a box of video tapes that cause my nose to itch from the faint moldy smell held in the box and wonder if anybody still uses VHS. I think that is enough for today.
Grief
I sometimes feel I am wearing my grief. It hangs over my head and slips down my face and pushes on my shoulders. Can you see it? Can you tell? I think I can see it on other faces. The ones who forgot to brush their hair or put on a smile. I wish that we still worn black arm bands to let the world know, don’t look too close, don’t expect too much, don’t mind my tears.
The Buzzy Donahue Show 