The Buzzy Donahue Show

I take the dog for a walk and sing a little song that goes Murder Hornets to the left of me Cougar to the right of me. You can’t avoid life, I tried. Covid is going strong in our little community. All the unvacinatted got it. Our little town seems to represent the nation we are like 50/50, the perfect us and them. I mean if there are aliens I think now would be the perfect time to come. Many of my compadres are dying not from Covid but because we of that age. I didn’t know everyone of them personally but we were all in the same room, the same town at the same time. I wish you well.

I just read my last post and I think to myself, lady get a grip. And I did and now it’s warm and I’m outside and I don’t have to wear a mask because I live in a smart community that got vaccinated. All of a sudden I once again love my trees and my comfy cottage and most of mankind. Nothing like a little sunshine to wash away the tears. The longest year ended in May for me and I’m looking ahead and it feels good.

Black Lives Matter. Get Vaccinated. Go for a walk.

I am stuck in what is called “The Velvet Rut.” Do you know what that means? It means I am so lucky I am not supposed to complain. Also I think it is some kind of unspoken law that when you are as old as I am you aren’t supposed to complain because after fucking all you should just be grateful to be alive.

I seem to have hit my Covid/pandemic/ Wall.

I can’t stand the cold. I can’t stand the loneliness. I can’t stand the pain.

Yes I live in the most beautiful and green and rainy place and I am a bad person for not being grateful but I am so fucking bored with the woods. I am sorry my pines, I do love you even though I am allergic to my friends the Cedar but all of you hugging me every day is not enough.

You are blocking my horizon.

Twelve years I have worked on appreciating all that I have here, and yes in your way you have been good to me but it’s not enough. You don’t love me and I don’t love you.

Why are you still here? Did I hear you ask. Well first I am stubborn, I kept thinking I could make it work. It never has with lovers why would it work with you?

And then came the radio. It was a mountain to climb, a challenge I needed and it felt good when I felt I sorta figured it out.

I will admit that the last three years have been the best, and that is even counting the Covid year of complete isolation because of doing Radio.

Ah, yes Radio. Thank you for the joy you have opened up to me, and I have worked hard and gotten better and have felt purpose.

Purpose becomes more important the older you get. So that purpose keeps me here but it’s not enough and my time is short.

I imagine my shows as love messages to my future.

    My big joy these days is being on the radio. I am so surprised that I can say that. I would never have rediscovered this joy if it hadn’t been for a friend encouraging me to volunteer at our local community radio station. It would not have happened if I hadn’t decided that I was no longer saying No immediately when someone made a suggestion. It was my year of Yes,  having decided that I was not happy with my life direction.  I wanted to stretch out of my comfort zone and explore things I would usually say no to. No is a good way to stay stuck and I was tired of being stuck.  I was getting old and it was now or never. Even after I said yes to doing a demo for the radio station it was not easy. I had to overcome my fear that had settled into my psyche for a long time. I had done radio when I was young but had a bad experience where I suffered an air anxiety attack in front of my peers  that caused me to stutter and barely be able to talk without sounding “like I had a vibrator under my seat.” Yes that is exactly what a fellow dj said to me while I was on the air having this attack. After that night I lost interest in radio and the life I was leading and turned my back on music and all that went along with it.  I never really thought I was that good of a dj when it came to announcing, I did think I had good taste in music and I  knew how to arrange a playlist something I think is key to an enjoyable radio show.

     Twenty years would pass before I went back to a radio station and did a few shows encouraged by a friend. I did okay, it was fun getting out of the house and doing something that I once loved.

     Thirty years  later this same friend would encourage me once again to come and do some radio. It took a couple of years thinking about before I said yes. I knew before I would be able to do it and be happy with what I was doing I had to let go of the trauma that had caused me to stop loving radio in the first place. 

     How do you let go? I wish it was as easy as snapping your fingers but for me it took some concentrated rewriting of thoughts and patterns that had sat in my head for fifty years. And what had I been doing for those fifty years? Looking for my passion. Searching for purpose, a way to be creative doing something I loved. Making Art. 

       It wasn’t easy the first few months, I never slept the night before my show and would often get up in the middle of the night and get sick. I was constantly having to talk myself down before the show so I used a meditation tape to help me stay calm because even though I was a nervous wreck I was loving being back on the air, in the studio, at a radio station.  I would make sure that my show was well planned. I  knew that if I just kept at it and stayed focus I would improve with time. I made sure to take any fill in time I could get so I could practice as I only had a show once a week for one and one half hours. And it helped, the more I was on the air the more comfortable I became with myself, the equipment and the process of doing radio. And I loved it, I felt like I was home.

I can be heard on KPTZ.org on Wed from 1-3pm and on Friday mornings from 9:30am to 11am.

It’s been six weeks since we went into lockdown and some people are getting antsy to return to normal. I don’t see how that is possible. One side effect of this pandemic is I now seem to have chronic fatigue. It’s not so bad on the days I stay home but whenever I go out which right now is 3 times a week I find it exhausting. I blame it on having to be hyper aware of my surrounding, trying to remember to not touch my face or if I just touched something and forgot to wash my hands. I’ve been cleaning our local radio station where I work as a volunteer and a holistic doctors office. Both are officially closed but are still being used. I am never out longer then around 4 hours but when I come home I wash my hands remove my clothes and when I finally sit down I almost always immediately fall asleep even if I don’t want too. I might sleep for a couple of hours get up and a few hours later go to bed. It’s true I would rather sleep then have insomnia but it just feels a bit extreme.  Maybe it is just old age.

As of 5/11/20    931 human beings have died of Covid-19 in Washington State

We are now in Phase 1 of the Washington plan for handling the pandemic. It’s pretty much the same as the “Stay at Home” request from the state that was issued in March. We are one of the 10 counties in Washington that because of our low contamination numbers (hardly any testing)  could request going into Phase 2 earlier then the rest of the state. This makes many of us “red zone” citizens nervous. We are a tourist town with some lovely parks and beachs that could easily draw large numbers of city folk looking to escape. I am glad I do not have to make some of the difficult choices  our town faces, like many towns across the nation. It seems to boil down to economy vs lives, and capitalism will not be denied.

Covid 19 deaths today 841 5/4/20